Lemony Snicket
Lemony Snicket is the author of many books, including a new series, All the Wrong Questions, which begins this fall.

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REASON 12: During his second term we will not hear the following things from President Obama—although we may have heard them from his political opponents.

1. I don’t know where Osama bin Laden is. I just don’t spend that much time on it, to be honest with you.

2. I’m not concerned about the very poor.

3. I am only going to allow small bills—three pages. You’ll have time to read that one over the dinner table.

4. One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country. It’s not OK.

5. Life begins with fertilization, at which time every human being shall have all the legal and constitutional attributes and privileges of personhood.

6. I feel homosexuality is an aberrant, unnatural, and sinful lifestyle, and we now know it can pose a dangerous public health risk.

7. Drill everywhere. There is no such thing as global warming.

8. Most of these schools ought to get rid of the unionized janitors, have one master janitor and pay local students to take care of the school.

9. What the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the healthcare reform that is needed to help shore up our economy.

10. It's three agencies of government, when I get there, that are gone: Commerce, Education and the—what's the third one there? Let's see.

11. I like being able to fire people who provide services to me.

12. The NFL all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons. There, I said it.

13. Corporations are people, my friend. Of course they are.

Lemony Snicket

In collaboration with:

George W. Bush (1)
Mitt Romney (2,11,13)
Hermain Cain (3)
Rick Santorum (4,7)
Paul Ryan, co-sponsoring the Sanctity of Human Life bill (5)
Mike Huckabee (6)
Newt Gingrich (8)
Sarah Palin (9)
Rick Perry (10)
Rush Limbaugh (12)

Read the next essay →

REASON 03:
Obama has fully funded the Violence Against Women Act. read essay →

REASON 37:
Romney is hiding millions in tax havens around the world. read essay →

REASON 76:
Life is a pre-existing condition.read essay →